Cont.: I’d like this question to be answered privately like the other one, thanks :) I do have a sex drive, that comes and goes for very long periods of time (I used to think I lacked sex drive until I turned 19 and had a boyfriend). I can’t stand the idea of being touched sexually, but sometimes I do. Sometimes it seems to me that I could engage in sexual acts, but most of the time it’s not even a possibility. Is there a term that can fit into my identity? Would the term asexual be accurate for me?

GQID: Hello there -

I do think that you would likely find solidarity and descriptions of similar identities in the asexual community, particularly from those who describe themselves as gray-a:

Asexuality and sexuality are not black and white; some people identify in the gray (spelled “grey” in some countries) area between them. People who identify as gray-A can include, but are not limited to those who: do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances

There is a forum on the Asexuality Visibility & Education Network (AVEN) that you may find interesting: The Gray Area. Of course, it is not necessary to pin a name to your romantic or sexual attraction if you don’t find it necessary, but finding others who experience these attributes similarly can indeed be comforting.

~Marilyn

Hello there,

Symptoms of body dysphoria or gender dysphoria can vary between groups of people with particular identities as well as individuals. Dysphoria, by itself, means “a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.” Dysphoria in the trans* community is a term that commonly is used to describe a sense of unease with the body and or gender presentation. This experience of feeling uneasy with how you see yourself and/or how others see you is probably the most common, relatable part about dysphoria, but how exactly it will manifest does vary.

Some people may have dysphoria about a certain body part (internal or external) and want to change it, or be indecisive about how to go about changing it, and this may cause distress. For some it may be more about presentation in terms of clothing and other commonly gender-associated markers, where they don’t know how to dress to best feel comfortable with themselves or how to convey their identity to others. Often there is a combination of factors that cause this feeling of “not quite right” to linger around until someone finds out the best way to become comfortable with themselves.

It can be said that some identity groups have common links of what causes their sense of dysphoria but it is not essential, for example, for all trans men to have both top and bottom dysphoria: some have only one or the other (or neither!). I also must mention here that the severity or existence of this level of unease depends upon the individual as well, along with the fact that some people don’t prefer to use the term at all because of its medical tone. Nonetheless, dysphoria can be a convenient term to describe a general unease with self-perception and/or discomfort with the perception of others that one is working through, and how an individual perceives it themselves will be unique.

~Marilyn

Hello there,

What description you use really just depends on what feels right to you or what you’d prefer to emphasize - it is also possible to use something else altogether or no particular term at all to describe yourself.

Genderqueer can be used to mean many different things, but can be distilled simply as a “gender that is queer” and/or a “gender presentation that is queer” (more on that here). Some people also use genderqueer as a stand-alone description of their identity because that’s what fits them best, or it is a more simple way to describe an identity that would otherwise be more lengthy.

Gender fluid people move from one gender to another (or more!) depending on factors such as mood or situation. It definitely seems like this is happening in your case. Bigender people can include gender fluid people as well as people who always identify as two genders all the time. Either term seems potentially applicable in your case, although gender fluid (or even trigender to distinguish between tomboy-woman, man, and the mix of the two as being different genders), although this term is not so common) may more clearly describe that your identity is shifting.

Gender presentation or sex identity is another thing. If you feel like your presentation is masculine or your body perception is more male (not sure which you had meant from your message), this falls under presentation or how you want to view your physical body (depending on what you had meant) instead. This may or may not be connected to your gender identity, depending on whether you feel there is a link between presentation, how you view your body, and gender identity or not.

~Marilyn

Hello there,

Good question! This is still something being actively debated, so there is no single answer. Umbrella terms are indeed something to be cautious about. LGBTQ (and variants of this) is probably one of the most recognizable umbrellas, but QUILTBAG is actually one of my favorites, although it is somewhat playful and perhaps not appropriate for academic contexts for that reason. QUILTBAG stands for for: “Queer/Questioning, Undecided, Intersex, Lesbian, Transgender/Transsexual, Bisexual, Allied/Asexual, Gay/Genderqueer.” Some of these terms are known as Western terms and because of this this, like using transgender or genderqueer to talk about groups of people throughout the world, QUILTBAG may not be the best or most accurate in all cases

Gender and Sexuality Minorities (GSM) is a good one because of how neutral it sounds and can generally be used safely across a global context. Its only downside is that it doesn’t name any specific identities, though it could be argued that QUILTBAG or LGBTQ are limiting because they can only name so many identities and will inevitably leave some people out.

Trans* is a term I have often used as an umbrella since the * is a wildcard standing for all kinds of gender variant identities, but it is also problematic for a couple of reasons: 1) even though it need not imply binary only transition or medical transition at all, some people associate this strongly with the prefix trans-, 2) the terms transgender and transsexual are known and used throughout the world, but many countries have their own gender terminology that may differ. Trans* is applicable in many cases, but when speaking of gender diversity around the world, using gender specific terminology to the culture or using more neutral terms (such as gender diverse, gender non-conforming) that appropriately reflect the situation is preferable.

I think it is best to choose an umbrella term based on the audience you are addressing or referring to - there isn’t a best-for-all-situations term. LGBTQ and trans* have gained a lot of ground in being recognized, but introducing more inclusive or neutral terms is generally very much appreciated by these already under-represented groups, so I would try to lean towards this whenever possible unless the purpose is to emphasize the exact group/groups in the term you are using (in which specificity of exactly which identities you mean to refer to would then be better).

~Marilyn

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Hello there,

Feeling your sexuality or gender change according to your mood or situation is definitely something that many people experience. Many people who are agender or neutrois are not asexual and vice versa, but there are some who have described a correlation that is true for themselves personally, and this may be relatable for you. Check out this post for example: http://asexualspace.wordpress.com/2011/10/30/asexualandneutrois/

~Marilyn

That’s not strange at all! What you want your body to be like does not need to reflect on what clothing would feel most comfortable for you to wear. I id as male (sex / body-wise) but I prefer clothing that is often perceived by others as feminine or androgynous. Masculine clothing does not really make up my wardrobe at all, nor do I plan for it to.

Some people use the term genderqueer to refer to a queer gender presentation (i.e. wearing clothing associated with another gender). It is up to you whether you wish to view it this way, however. Expressing maleness for you may, for example, be very much about wearing clothing considered feminine, and it may feel like a match, or your maleness may not have much to do with feminine clothing at all (it is all about your perspective). Cisgender and trans* male folks alike who wear feminine clothing may not see them selves in any way other than being male and happening to wear feminine clothing. For others, it is more like cross-dressing, or a genderqueer presentation. Again, it is up to your own personal lens.

~Marilyn

Who you are attracted to doesn’t necessarily have any bearing on how you describe your gender. A straight woman or a lesbian woman for example are both women, and they may or may not define their womanhood differently from one another. Although it is not necessary to tie up both gender and sexual orientation together, there may be cases where people do perform or embody a certain kind of presentation because of wanting to send certain messages to particular partners, or being embroiled in a particular subculture (think leather masculinity, gay masculinity). If the identity descriptors lesbian and woman have some bearing on your identity, in short, there is nothing paradoxical about considering yourself a genderqueer lesbian, whether or not you feel your gender identity has anything to do with your sexual orientation . There is a great article called How I discovered that I’m a Genderqueer Lesbian that you may want to read.

~Marilyn