You’re very welcome - I am always happy to hear responses like this; please do write back if you have any further questions!

(In response to this ask box Q&A.)

~Marilyn

Hello there!,

There certainly are pros and cons, however, in my case, I was upfront about it because I met my boyfriend through OkCupid and described my identity as being genderqueer with an additional gay male identification in my description. I felt like I wanted to seek out someone who was okay with it in the get-go and, even if they didn’t know what it meant to identify as such, would be willing to learn and explore. I was worried that, if I wasn’t, coming out later might lead to someone ending up not being as respectful as I had hoped and leaving me.

I had so much trouble in high school over people who I had crushes on and feeling like my own identity had to be a secret, that I indeed felt hopeless over whether someone would want to ever be in a relationship with me. Almost 2 years later, my loving boyfriend is lying next to me on my futon playing video games as I type this…I never could have imagined this! There are people out there who will understand you and be respectful of your identity who will want to be in a relationship with you. If you do not feel comfortable coming out to someone from the get-go, you may want to discuss queer issues in general with them and let them know that it is something you care about - if they seem off-put by even this, then they’re probably not going to be respectful of your own identity. For me personally, I thought that using a dating website would probably be the best way to be upfront about my identity and weed out people who were rude or fetishy about the fact that I am genderqueer, and things have turned out more wonderful than I could have ever imagined with the guy who I am with.

~Marilyn

Hello there,

It was a little unclear in your message whether you were concerned about your family understanding your being genderqueer, or a therapist understanding, so I will address both.

First, check out the Coming out as Transgender, Genderqueer, and/or Non-Binary Masterpost if you haven’t already. I would recommend coming out in stages, maybe testing the waters by bringing up LGBTQ general issues and seeing what their perspective may be, then finding a resource from the list that might fit your situation. Coming out in stages and providing clear definitions may help if you do decide to come out to anyone - remember that many people have no idea or basis for learning what terms like genderqueer and non-binary may mean. Remember also that you are not obligated to come out to anyone - it is a very personal decision. I have gathered from your question that your association with the term transgender is that of binary transition - it can be used to mean this, or as a general umbrella term, but at any rate, if you explain your identity, it would be important to differentiate your understanding of yourself from a term like this. TransWhat? is a great resource for clearing up misunderstandings around terminology.

The new World Professional Association for Transgender Health Standards of Care 7 is one of the best resources you could find for the role of therapy in any kind of transition or gender identity matters. They now include genderqueer in their index and many changes have been made for how therapists and medical practitioners are advised to care for their clients. Transition and Beyond: Observations on Gender Identity by Reid Vanderburgh is a great personal guide for this topic. Sometimes therapists do need to be advised on defining terms and understanding gender concepts if they are not familiar with them or used to a particular model of transition.

Before I came out to or explained my identity to others, I made sure I could put it into words that I thought conveyed my own experience accurately. Even when people have been disbelieving around my identity or unsure, I have kept in mind that it is likely very new to them and that mutual patience and respect will facilitate understanding.

~Marilyn

Hello there,

ACE Bandages can lead to severe rib damage - perhaps the extent would not be as severe if used in the short term, but I would not recommend using them under any circumstances. If you don’t have enough money for a binder, keep track of the binder giveaway tag on Tumblr, or try asking if anyone would be willing to send you a binder on fuckyeahftms (even if you don’t identify as FTM, this can be a great binder resource). I know it can be hard to resist wanting to use something to bind when it is that effective, but you can really end up hurting yourself. They can restrict your breathing and end up causing you pain in the long run, as it is quite a risky method and not made for this use. Another, safer method of “home-made” binding is using pantyhose to create one’s own binder, so you may want to check that out as well.

~Marilyn

Hello there,

It sounds like bigender or gender fluid may indeed be good descriptors for what you’re experiencing. Bigender.net, the bigender Livejournal community, Bi-gender the bisexual partner, and the gender-fluid Livejournal community may be helpful resources to you. You may find that your attraction remains the same through gender fluidity or bigender identity, or it may change - either way, it is up to what makes sense for you on an individual level.

~Marilyn

Hello there,

This post may help (focused on coming out to a partner as genderqueer):

http://youwillfly.tumblr.com/post/2680797762/dating-a-genderqueer

This general coming out resources post may also be of use:

http://genderqueerid.com/post/22572328747/coming-out-as-trangender-genderqueer-and-or

My boyfriend is cis and has identified as straight, although we decided there is no need to frame our relationship as either straight or queer - we can continue to have our own identities without necessarily needing to transform the other person’s identity, which I think is important. What I have done is just tried to explain myself as clearly as possible and share sites and books that I think he would find interesting or informative. I think it is also important to not overwhelm with new information either (which much of this likely will be), explaining things as they come up if there is any confusion or curiosity.

~Marilyn

Hello there,

As I noted in my original post on Sohoeva’s leopard print binder, I have not tried them out. However, you can check out the sohoeva tag on Tumblr. The site is very new so not a lot of information exists out there about this brand.

~Marilyn

I’m glad that this blog has helped you - this is what I set out to do! Please do contact if there are any questions you have and I will do my best to answer.

~Marilyn

Thank you so much for your kind words! I am so glad that what I have put together has been of help. I will be back to answer the questions in my box next week.

~Marilyn