Hello there!

Pronouns are all down to personal preference - if binary-associated pronouns do not bother you, this is okay! For example, I am still okay with being referred to with she/her/hers pronouns, likely because I am used to it, and often I do not feel like I have the energy to explain (or desire to) gender identity and pronoun preference. I find that they/them/their is something that many people acclimate to more easily than more recent pronoun developments, although sometimes the tired argument about these only being “correct” as plural comes in (some information on the accurate usage of they/them/their is available here http://www.crossmyt.com/hc/linghebr/austheir.html#X1a). I think it is important to emphasize, if you do want to let someone know that you prefer ne/nem/hir, that this would be an indication of respect about your identity. If any followers know of any resources about telling people about gender neutral pronoun preference, let me know!

~Marilyn

Hello there!
Gender expression and interests do not always signal gender identity (i.e. there are many men who like things that society may consider feminine, many women who like things society may consider masculine, many people of a variety of identities that like a combination of possibilities) - it is important to consider how these things feel to you. You might describe your expression as androgynous and your interests as mixed, but this may or may not say anything about your identity at all. For me, I feel like my interest in what society considers to be androgynous-leaning-towards-feminine expression is not particularly related to my identifying as genderqueer in terms of gender or male in terms of sex. Others may feel like an androgynous expression is part of their androgynous gender identity. This is really such an individual thing - if you don’t feel that your expression or interests have to do with your gender identity (and that there are other factors of how you identify in terms of gender), then they probably don’t - this is totally okay!

~Marilyn

Hello there,

There is a general assumption that sex and gender identity must “match” - I think that it may make more sense to think about what matches for you more than what dominant notions there are about what “really” should match, including notions even within trans* communities. I identify as male (I’m also FAAB), but I also identify as genderqueer and as an androgyne in terms of gender. I realized that male makes me feel most comfortable in terms of sex identity, but “boy” or “man” don’t make sense to me as descriptors in terms of gender - androgyne and genderqueer fit best for me and helped me make the most sense out of my identity. Being that gender and sex are related but do not hold the same meanings, I don’t see why being genderqueer and male, for example, should be contradictory because they are describing different aspects of myself.If man and male can fit together, neutral and male can fit together, or androgyne and male, and so on - these are all fine! If you check out the Genderqueer Health: Mind and Body survey that I did last year, you will find that the sex identities that people who identified as genderqueer and non-binary were quite varied. I will quote them here:

Most common responses: female (56), male (24), genderqueer (8), neutrois (7), androgyne or androgynous (5), both or both female and male or male and female bodied (4), none or neither (4), no idea (2), female-ish (2), and CAFAB (2). Many sex identity responses involved a combination of terms, such as “primarily female”, “third-sex / feminine androgynous”, “sexqueer female”, and “genderfluid androgynous”. Some respondents referred to their sex characteristics to clarify or to challenge generally accepted meanings, such as “Male: meaning I call my vagina and associated organs “male”, “Male but with a vulva/vagina instead of a penis”, “CAFAB; person with a clit”, and “Flat chested female body? not that I have that right or anything :(“. Other sex identity terms included female-to-male, FTX, unknown, ?, human, non-binary, and epicene.

In other words, this does not inherently mean you are confused although if you feel you wish to explore gender and sex identities more, do feel that you are free to do this.

~Marilyn

Hello there!

This is probably the best answer to this question I know of:

http://neutrois.tumblr.com/post/4477636845/hey-so-ive-been-poking-around-loads-of-places-but

“Neutrois is not genderless. While the prefix a- in agender may hint at a “lack of,” neutrois is not a lack of gender. Just like a neutral color does not mean colorless, or a neutral opinion does not mean without opinion, a neutral gender does mean without gender. Neutrois do have an internal gender, it just happens to be neither male, nor female. It’s neutral.”

I hope that helps!

~Marilyn

practicalandrogyny:

Practical Androgyny - Vocal androgyny in speech and singing

Recorded for PracticalAndrogyny.com an ambiguous gender presentation resources website.

Nat talks about how to develop a more androgynous, ambiguous or gender neutral speaking and singing voice. Assumes nothing about how you identify or whether you voice has been affected by testosterone.

Accompanying blog post with video summary, links to all singers and songs featured, bonus material, additional recommended singers and links to external resources available at:

http://practicalandrogyny.com/2011/10/31/vocal-androgyny-in-speech-and-singing/

Hi there -

I can definitely relate to what you’re talking about, although my situation is different, but first of all know that, in order to be “really” queer, there isn’t a certain set of experiences or oppressions you have to have experienced in order to “count”. The world of queerness ranges from people who are visibly out, to those who are closeted, to those who one would “never know” about their identity, and everyone in between. I personally range from appearing feminine to androgynous and, while I identify as a gay male androgyne, the majority of people I come in contact with can’t pick any of these things up about me. I am also in a relationship with someone who identifies/ed as straight (we’ve discussed his orientation since, and we’ve determined that it doesn’t really matter or apply in our relationship) who has been wonderfully accepting about these aspects of myself.

Because of not looking “masculine enough,” it took me a very long time to even unpack and have a fuller understanding of my identity; after understanding genderqueer identity better, I have occasionally felt a sense of guilt that I am not “androgynous enough” either. My self-harm issue that I experienced for about 10 years of my life primarily stemmed from feeling uneasy about my body. I am currently trying to find a place where I can just be happy about my appearance without needing to compare myself to either dominant or queer models of appearance, and just be me.

To everyone who sees my boyfriend and I walking down the street together, we look like a heterosexual couple and I am acutely aware of that, but this does not mean that I have been exempt from the difficulties and disbelief I have sometimes encountered when someone does find out about my identity (which has happened with about half of the people who I have explained myself in this regard to). People cannot necessarily know how I feel about myself or what I do in my bedroom just by looking at me. As of yet, I am by and large someone who is not “visibly queer” and there are many others out there whose queerness goes by unnoticed in the world at large until they “come out” or bring it up otherwise, whether queer in regards to sexuality or gender. Not being visibly queer or not facing certain types of oppression does not remove the truths I know about how I am and how I want to be. The people out there who think that it does remove this lived experience are engaging in an unwelcome “oppression olympics” battle that doesn’t help anyone.

Your identities are real and you are not appropriating just by virtue of being a FAAB with a MAAB partner and being in some ways “invisibly queer” (similar to my scenario). Asexuality and panromanticism/sexuality are both marginalized sexual identities, and your gender identity (which could be considered genderqueer, or if one prefers, non-binary) has had an impact on your life in the form of dysphoria and an eating disorder. You may, like myself, be able to acknowledge that you have not experienced oppressions that others have because of not being visibly queer, but that certainly doesn’t mean that you have been entirely exempt from any oppression, however small or not-so-small, because you and I do have identities that are marginalized in society. Oppression, while a key factor in what identities are considered queer, is not the measure of determining whether someone is asexual, panromantic, or gender neutral / bigender; you know these things from your life experience, and that’s the most important gauge of what you feel and who you are of all! I have written an article called ‘Experiencing Heterosexism as Genderqueer’ (Part 1, Part 2) that I’d strongly recommend reading, since it relates to this topic.

I hope this helped you out. Cheers,

~Marilyn